What counts as losing your virginity?

There's no medical test for virginity, and no single moment everyone agrees on. It's an idea, not a fact about your body. Here's what that means, and answers to the specific things people ask.

The questions young people actually handed in about this:

Are you familiar with the term 'popping a cherry'? If so, can you explain it to me? If both male and female are virgins can they still get STIs? If I played with myself, am I a virgin? Is it true that a girl who has sexual contact for the first time can die from the pain?
Want it in plainer words?

Virginity isn’t a physical thing you can measure. There’s no test a doctor can do, and nothing about your body proves whether you’ve had sex or not. The old idea that the hymen “breaks” the first time is a myth. The hymen is just a thin bit of tissue that’s shaped differently in different people, and it can stretch or wear away from all sorts of everyday things.

So “losing your virginity” is really an idea, and people mean slightly different things by it. Most use it to describe the first time someone has penetrative sex with a partner. But some count other kinds of sex, some don’t count anything until it feels emotionally significant, and plenty of people think the whole idea is more trouble than it’s worth.

None of those are wrong. There’s no official rulebook, which is why the same question keeps coming up: does this count? The honest answer is usually that it counts if it counts to you.

What matters far more than the label is whether sex is something you want, whether everyone involved has agreed to it, and whether you’re looking after yourself and each other. Those things are real. “Virginity” is just a word people use to talk about them.

Virginity is an idea, not a fact about your body. There is no test for it. Nothing about your body shows whether you have had sex.

It is a myth that the hymen "breaks" the first time. The hymen is a small bit of skin. It is different in everyone, and it can stretch or wear away over time.

People mean different things by "losing your virginity". Most mean the first time you have sex with a partner. There is no single rule. It counts if it counts to you.

What matters most is that sex is something you want, that everyone has said yes, and that you stay safe. Those things are real. "Virginity" is just a word.

Does it count?

Does masturbation count as losing your virginity?

No. Masturbation is something you do on your own. It doesn't involve another person, so most people wouldn't say it changes your virginity. Touching yourself is a normal, private thing, and it doesn't "use up" anything.

No. Masturbation is touching yourself. You do it on your own, so it doesn't change your virginity. It is normal and private.

Read the full answer

Does fingering count as losing your virginity?

Most people would say no. Fingering is sexual, but when people talk about "losing their virginity" they usually mean penetrative sex with a partner. There's no fixed rule here. Different people count different things, and none of them are more correct than the others.

Most people would say no. Fingering is sexual, but "losing your virginity" usually means having sex with a partner. There is no fixed rule.

Does oral sex count as losing your virginity?

For most people, no. Oral sex is sex, and it's something two people do together, but it isn't usually what people mean by "losing their virginity", which tends to describe penetrative sex. What matters more than the label is that it's wanted by everyone involved and feels right for you.

For most people, no. Oral sex is a kind of sex, but it is not usually what people mean by "losing your virginity". What matters most is that everyone wants it.

Do sex toys count as losing your virginity?

Using a sex toy on your own is a form of masturbation, so most people wouldn't count it. If a partner is involved, it's shared sexual activity, and whether you call that "losing your virginity" is up to you. There's no test, and nothing about a toy changes your body's status.

Using a sex toy on your own is like masturbation, so most people would say no. If a partner is there too, it is up to you what you call it. A toy doesn't change your body.

Does sex with someone of the same gender count as losing your virginity?

Yes, if you want it to. Sex is sex. The idea of virginity was built around straight, penetrative sex, which leaves a lot of people out. Two women, two men, or any couple can have a first time that matters just as much. You get to decide what counts as yours.

Yes, if you want it to. Sex is sex. The old idea of virginity left a lot of people out. Any couple can have a first time that matters. You decide what counts as yours.